Living Zen Life

I've always been an anxious kid
nervous since a child
following rules to not get in trouble
terrible in studies 
did not miss a day of school
eighth grade through senior.

Fortunate to marry a lovely woman
accepting me with my gifts faults
good career enforcing the rules
right down my alley!

Who am I now since she died?
The shadow of who I've always been
rises from my past through body
trying to tell me something:

     high blood pressure
     poor sleep
     skin inflammations
     peripheral neuropathy
     essential tremors 

so long mistaking these 
as signs only of getting old
perhaps so but not only that.

Friends said words to me
about my loss my age
I listened.
One who knows me knew my wife
her death my moving too fast
she knows about such things saying
six months you need six months
six months I did not take following my wife's death
not an order just a friend
words something like a gift
saying I need time
to find out who I am now
unbounded by rules expectations.

Taking time 
kinder to myself
no rushing into the next thing
as something I should do
I have time and why not?
Because. Just because.
My friends have told me so
in kind loving voices
take the time you need
weeks months six months more
we'll wait for you
until then
be still
sit listen heal
it's all you have to do.