Living Zen Life

So long a life bumping up against my dispositions and failures
difficult to find balance between what I sense I ought do
and what I can do with skill and serenity.

What can I do and do well?

     I am adept at sitting on my veranda watching birds
     while trees are always asking for my sage advice
     needing my watchful gaze to praise their beauty.
     Much more but enough for now.

For and with Sangha there are tasks I can do:

     -Welcome all who come
     -Sit in zazen silence
     -Chant with enthusiasm
     -Listen with mind open and accepting
     -Hold all in hands of loving kindness
     -Offer thoughtful words, perhaps even wisdom
       on rare occasions
     -Offer my small home for convivial gathering
     -Laugh with my sisters and brothers
     -Cry at such losses we may share
     -Support Sangha in every way I reasonably can

Having taken time for reflection, considering my age and experiences, my gifts held dearly, my vexacious faults held too nearly, I am compelled to write:

In Sangha:
     -I'll limit my roles so as to Sit well most of the time
     -I'll not sit on any councils
     -I am unlikely to take the lead on any project
     -I will vigorously complain about anything and everything
       but with a kind and oh so tender heart.

Ask more than I can gladly offer I will beg to say no. I value my serenity and freedom too much to give them easily away. Might I be challenged from time to time? Yes, but...

     - do not ask me to step into places
        where I've failed and fallen before
     -for my part, I will be wary of stepping into those 
       places again
     -for Sangha I will do what I can then step back
     -others I'll admire for what they do gladly and well
     -may others admire me for what I do gladly and well.

I have made vows with Sangha:

     -Heartily to ferry all beings to the other shore
     -Mercilessly to shatter all delusions
     -Unremittingly to storm the dharma gates
       and, when I've done all that, 
     -Fearlessly to walk arm in arm in the very present moment with the Buddha and the Christ.

My writing is:
     -a step towards letting it all go
     -a step towards following my Bodhisattva vows
     -a step towards the Beautitudes mount
     -a step towards loosing the hold on me of my ancient and twisted karma.
      
This is my pledge of responsibility to Sangha, a statement I will come back to often, change as I continue to change in response to my abilities my desires and the needs of Sangha. I suppose I am unusual that I feel the need to put it in writing. It is my way. To do so helps me to be and remain faithful.

Having done as much as I can for myself and Sangha:

     -At the beginning of each day I'll wake rested and at peace.
     -At the end of each day I'll know I've done the best I could and sleep in peace.

Finally, I have had my losses, the dearest one of all. I hold Carols memory and that is enough for me. She was Sangha with me for many years. I look to her still as my guiding star in finding my way to that other shore.